82 Minutes, Color, USA, 1997
Written By: Greg Araki
Directed By: Greg Araki
Dramatis Personae:
James
Duval is Dark, mopey film student
and, for lack of a better candidate, our protagonist.
Rachel
True is Mel, DarkÕs promiscuous bisexual girlfriend.
Kathleen
Robertson is Lucifer, MelÕs snarky
purple-haired acid-tongued lover.
Nathan Bexton is Montgomery, na•ve pretty boy and
object of DarkÕs longing affections.
Christina Applegate is Dingbat, the geeky member of
this weird-ass circle of friends (geeky if only because she wears braces and
actually goes to class).
Guillermo Diaz is Cowboy, leader of what is
evidently a third-wave alt-punk band, judging by his choice of wardrobe.
Jeremy Jordan is Bart, CowboyÕs strung out
boyfriend and band mate.
Scott Caan is Ducky, blond and quiet
member of the gang, and object of DingbatÕs affection.
Sarah Lassez is Egg, DuckyÕs bulimic and
innocent little sister.
Jordan Ladd is Alyssa,
ditzy-in-an-artistic-way redhead.
Thyme Lewis is Elvis, AlyssaÕs nihilistic
biker lover.
Ryan Phillippe is Shad, AlyssaÕs
self-destructive twin brother.
Heather Graham is Lilith, ShadÕs
sadomasochistic lover.
Joshua Gibran Mayweather is Zero, MelÕs horndog little
brother.
Mena Suvari is Zoe, ZeroÕs squeaky clean
girlfriend.
Alan Boyce is Handjob, BartÕs green-haired
connection, and possibly the least intimidating drug dealer in the history of
film.
Jaason Simmons is The Teen Idol, unnamed Australian TV
star with designs on Egg.
Éplus a bunch of other well-known people in
small roles that I didnÕt bother to keep track of.
Commentary:
When I first started this website, I made a
point of not using a rating system. I did this for two reasons. First, because
I believe that enjoying a movie is a subjective experience. A film is, after
all, a work of art. Giving a movie so many stars based on entertainment value
makes little sense from that perspective, as each individualÕs appreciation of
art is a matter of personal opinion and taste. Any rating I would give a movie
would therefore be relevant only to me, and since no one has exactly the same
tastes and opinions as I do, it would be kind of pointless to share that with
the world at large.
The second reason I didnÕt use a rating system
is because there are very few movies out there that I absolutely hate. There
are very few films I regret seeing; IÕve always managed to find SOMETHING in a
movie worth the experience of watching it. An interesting idea. A surprisingly
good performance. A clever special effect. Even the most inept production has
entertainment value, if for nothing else than for the sheer Òtrain wreckÓ
factor. So rarely do I find myself
in a position to warn a viewer away from a film.
Then I watched Nowhere.
For the love of God, Buddha, and James Joyce.
Never before have I wanted to be able to ÒunwatchÓ a film, to get back the 82
minutes of my life I spent watching it. Never before I have been filled with
such utter, primal HATRED for a movie, to the point where I want to warn the
unknowing public away from the experience.
AnywayÉ
I donÕt even know where to start.
OkayÉ
Nowhere is ostensibly the
story of Dark, a brooding film student who lives in Southern California. HeÕs
got long hair and dreamy good looks and heÕs often seen without a shirt, so I
guess weÕre supposed to see him as a modern-day Lord Byron or something. Our first introduction to Dark is
during his morning shower, which soon turns to a masturbation session for him
(this is going to prove to be an appropriate metaphor for the entire movie).
During his, ahem, trombone lesson, weÕre privy to his fantasies. We see his
girlfriend Mel, we see the dreamy Montgomery, and we see a pair of lesbian
dominatrices. His private moment is rudely interrupted by his shrill mother,
who throws him out of the bathroom and orders him to get ready for school.
Mel and Lucifer pick up Dark, and they head to
a cafŽ called ÒThe HoleÓ for breakfast. Lucifer antagonizes Dark mercilessly
during the ride, but they stop when they see Montgomery waiting for the bus.
Dark offers him a ride, which he shyly accepts. Once at The Hole, our foursome
is joined by the rest of the characters, and we are introduced to the varied
stories we will follow throughout this day. Cowboy is having problems with
Bart: his drug use is beginning to affect both their romantic and professional
relationships, as heÕs constantly flaking out on band practice to go get high.
While purging a massive piece of chocolate cake, Egg meets The Teen Idol, who
is so taken by her sincere innocence that he asks her out. Mel flirts
shamelessly with Montgomery, much to DarkÕs two-fisted chagrin. Alyssa goes off
to have rough sex with Elvis. Everyone makes plans to meet up tonight at a
party. And as Dark goes through his day, he catches glimpses here and there of
some strange reptilian creature, apparently an alien performing random
abductionsÉ
Dear God, do I hate this movie. HATE it.
DESPISE it. LOATHE it, with a furious passion rivaling that of a thousand suns.
IÕm trying vainly to find SOMETHING, ANYTHING in this movie worth recommending,
but I just canÕt get past my primal fury at it. Nowhere manages to be the
thing that infuriates me the most in the world: a completely pointless
experience. After watching it, I felt I learned NOTHING. My life was not
enriched, my horizons were not broadened, my brain was not entertained, to any
degree whatsoever. I simply wasted 82 minutes. I did not think such a movie
– a movie with no redeeming qualities AT ALL – could possibly
exist. And now that I know it does, I wish I could blank the knowledge from my
mind. For this knowledge brings me no joy, and like FrankensteinÕs Monster I
curse my Creator for giving me reason and memory.
One thing I hate very much indeed is a ÒcleverÓ
movie. A movie that trades intellect for wit, a movie that spends so much time
being clever that it forgets to be smart, is one of the most annoying things
imaginable. The only thing more annoying is a movie that TRIES to be clever and
FAILS. And thatÕs Nowhere right there. With an outlandish,
migraine-inducing color palette; ludicrous and nonsensical invented slang that
makes me want to rip my own ears off; and bipolar mood swings from serious to
comedic to surreal to disturbing; Nowhere conveys the image of a
movie trying too damn hard – and at the same time, not trying hard
enough. Director Greg Araki SEEMS to have something to say – maybe
something about the shallowness and self-importance of fin-de-millennaire Southern California
culture – but his movie is just not smart enough or focused enough to get
the message across. ItÕs a mess. A disjointed, mean-spirited, acid trip of a
film, that seems to have no interest in engaging its audience in its goings-on.
Case in point, our main character Dark. The
only character in the entire movie that has anything remotely approaching a
soul – he, at least, longs for more out of life than just partying and
random boinking – yet he too manages to be unsympathetic. He clearly
loves Mel, but he lacks the wherewithal to do anything other than profess his
feelings in awkward childlike declarations. Declarations, mind you, that fall
on deaf ears; Mel has made promiscuity her creed and purpose in life. To get as
much sex as possible while sheÕs still young and pretty, she says. Dark wants
more from their relationship – more, perhaps, than Mel is capable of
giving – but heÕs not particularly motivated to fight for it. When Mel
crawls in through his bedroom window for a quickie, he doesnÕt send her away.
Dark seems to lack the maturity to actively seek the kind of relationship he
wants, and the movie seems to go out of its way to actively punish him for
wanting what he wants. The ultimate fate of Montgomery at the very end of the
movie – wherein a seemingly happy ending is snatched away for no apparent
reason other than for a cheap shock – proves only that DarkÕs character
evolution over the course of the film was to no purpose. And indeed, that the
movie itself was to no purpose. There is no story; there is just stuff happening.
It is worth noting that, for a movie ostensibly
about shallow beautiful people having lots of random sex, Nowhere manages to make sex
REALLY unappealing. Every sex scene we see is nasty and just plain wrong:
Alyssa and ElvisÕs clumsy S&M groping; Egg and The Teen IdolÕs encounter
that gets very scary very quickly; and of course MelÕs emotionally-detached
rutting with multiple partners both male and female. Maybe THIS was the point
Greg Araki was trying to make – about sex becoming something ugly in the
absence of emotional content – but IÕm just too grossed out and
infuriated to even concede that. The entire damn movie is ugly, and the fact
that it alleges that its ugliness is to some purpose without ever getting
around to what that purpose may be fills me with rage.
Nowhere is that worst of
movies: the self-aware art film. A movie that deliberately toys with its
audience about its reason for being. And thereÕs nothing I hate more as an
audience member than being toyed with by a movie. Again, this may be a
subjective thing, and maybe some of you out there like it when a movie does
this. I donÕt. I hate this movie. I found it to be a meaningless waste of time,
and I judge that to be the worst thing a movie can possibly be. IÕm not ashamed
to tell this to the world. And IÕm not afraid to advise people against seeing
it. IÕve suffered through it so you donÕt have to. Honor my sacrifice. Go watch
something with a plot instead.
Things To Look For:
- Greg Araki gets a lot
of praise as a filmmaker in gay culture, apparently for his fair and positive
portrayals of same-sex relationships. You wouldnÕt know it just by seeing Nowhere. I guess you could
argue that gay characters are treated realistically and equitably, because
everyone in this movie is equally unappealing regardless of sexual preference.
Although I will grant that the only relationship we see that isnÕt abusive,
shallow, or just plain gross – Cowboy and Bart – is a same-sex
relationshipÉand IÕm trying really hard not to infer anything from that.
Meanwhile, poor bisexuals never get any respect from either side of the great
debate, and our two clearly bisexual characters – Dark and Mel –
are the ones with the biggest issues. Dark is just so desperate for love that
heÕll take it from whomever is willing to give it, and MelÉwell, thereÕs
ÒbisexualÓ and thereÕs Òanything with a pulse,Ó and I think we know where Mel
stands.
- A shining example, I
think, of what I mean by this movie being ÒcleverÓ without being ÒsmartÓ is
what Araki does with cameos. Nowhere is densely populated
with sitcom actors from the 1970s and 1980s in small roles. Charlotte Rae as a
fortune teller. John Ritter as a televangelist. Christopher Knight, Eve Plumb,
David Leisure, and Beverly DÕAngelo as assorted parental figures. TheyÕre
there, in the movieÉand nothing is done with them. ThereÕs no joke, no purpose,
no real reason for it. TheyÕre just there so you can say, ÒHey! Look who it
is!Ó A sort of ÒFamily GuyÓ type of humor. ÒHey, remember him! Okay, next
joke.Ó Bah.
- And now, perhaps my
most controversial assertion of all: I submit that Christina Applegate is one
of the most underrated character actors of her time. Seriously now. IÕve seen
her in many a role, and sheÕs able to disappear inside a character better than
most of her peers. As Dingbat, with her dark hair and big metal braces, sheÕs
barely recognizableÉand oddly sexyÉ
- So it would seem that Nowhere is actually the third
film in a trilogy that Greg Araki made in the mid-1990s centered around the
same theme: nihilistic teens blundering through a meaningless existence. It
first occurred to me that maybe if I saw the entire trilogy, I might understand
ArakiÕs message a little better. Then it next occurred to me that Nowhere is apparently
considered the best of the three films. SoÉunless someone is willing to strap
me into the Clockwork Orange chair, I donÕt think itÕs going to happen.
Written words (c) 2008-2011 Tim o'Brien. Not to be used without
permission. Other content, including images, is intended as a Fair Use pursuant
to 17 U.S.C. sec. 107.
Date Posted: March 10th, 2008
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